Blandman essay contest #1

"Get that out of your mouth!" Perhaps you were like me and heard this from parents and teachers when the occasional quarter found its way into your mouth or maybe your digestive tract for a time. The scolds of "Dirty!" and "Nasty!" are damaging. You were doing what you did best as a child, learning something new. You were likely traumatized right out of developing your "nasty habit" into the highly cultured culinary ecstasy it can become.

Don't be confused with the many delightful dishes with money in their title like: Million Dollar Pie; Pot of Gold Soup; $20,000 Chili; or the even better $25,000 Chili. This is also not a compulsive habit, like certain eating disorders, such as pica, which involves the eating of soil or clay, for the purpose of missing vitamins. I mean those hors d'oeuvres, entrees, and desserts made with money.

It's true that coins tossed in your mouth immediately upon being handed to you by a convenience store clerk will taste like you are French-kissing a door handle. Equally disgusting are bills from that wad collected for your colleague's wedding gift. Whether a measly dollar or the more generous twenty, they will contain morsels of the kind of particular sweat caused by corporate culture assimilation.

Any of the experts--and there are experts, known as currency chefs -- will tell you cleansing is necessary to prepare your money for a nearly infinite choice of preparation methods. Think of those bills as spinach - fan them into a colander and rinse, rinse, rinse. The coins, like flattened, metallized blueberries, require rinsing and picking through. Discard coins blemished with sticky goo.

Marinating is especially important in the early transition to the art of eating money. Those coins can handle years of the most potent vinegar and oil so start now! Collect those piles of pennies, nickels and dimes from their usual haunts, flip them in a container, pour in your favorite sauce. Set it and forget it! Years from now when you are desperate for a little nosh, when guests arrive without any notice, you're covered! A quick stir-fry (non-stick preferred or very well-oiled non-non-stick) with your protein of choice and saffron-infused rice and you'll have your guests raving and getting their dosage of minerals. A word of warning: it is best to remove bridges and other temporary dental work.

Next time: Exotic dishes with foreign currency (Euro not included)

Time after that time: Building your own house with credit cards, a plastic palace

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