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2007-10-31
Happy Halloweenie!

Just spoke to the Anj, he was Darth Vader tonight. The Star Wars thing is hanging on in a big way. It's real for him. He knows it's a movie, but it still is figuring in his big wild world.

He told me Sunday that Baba hasn't gone to heaven yet. "He can't go until all the grass grows on the top," he said. "Then the angels send bombs down, but only to people under the ground and it shoots them up and they are angels."

A few conversations ago about God and Mary and Jesus found us chatting about their upcoming birthdays. I was told I can leave a card or gift out for God on Christmas Eve and Santa will pick it up and deliver it. Do I know when Mary's birthday is, by the way? No? It's Memorial Day.

No pause, no segue and we are talking about Yoda and Luke and I get the sense they are living next to or near or inside the same place/space God and Mary and Jesus do. And the bomb-sending angels.

We played the alphabet game in the car the other day. All the words we can think of that begin with A. Andre naturally. Acrobat. Adobe. You get the picture. Baba was the first B word. Then, "I forgot an A word," he said. "Alive."

He cries often about his Baba not being here. My Dad was concerned about this, worried about how close they were and how his death would affect Andre. But they couldn't get un-close. And Andre is still reaching for him, longing for him. He wasn't finished with his Baba.

I still think of my Dad, of all of us being around him and my sister saying, "Dad? Daddy? Daddy? Dad?" and the loud space where he wasn't. I still think of somehow being able to reach back there, back in time and grab him, from his outer inner space. It's a thought and it just comes and goes. I have had a dream or two where he slips in and out and I feel him there but there is no sense of urgency.

I have dreams of others who have slipped from my life. Those have a different weight and feel. Sleeping, knowing I am dreaming, I want to reach out and dream them real, reshape the circle.

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