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2004-01-16
This week I�ve been watching a lot of TV. M is working long hours on a job, a conference at a hotel not too far away, but because of the schedule and the cold the client paid for him to stay. So, not only have I been watching too much TV, but also I�ve been doing it alone. I�m marginally glad for that because it would be really sad if our relationship had dipped so low. I imagine our conversations would go something like this:

�What�s on the comedy channel?� says the remote-less person.

�Nothing,� says the remoteful one.

�I want to see.�

�I just looked.�

�Look again.�

�Okay.� Channel switch. �See?�

�Ok.� Pause. �What�s on IFC?�

etc.

For years, and probably even now, TVGuide has been the most-subscribed to magazine in the U.S. I am not proud of this fact, or once-upon-a-time fact. I have never purchased it and never will � so there. But in my burnt-out TV state, I am euphoric to have our type of remote with basically a mini TVGuide in it.

It allows you to �page� ahead to see what�s on a particular channel and then press �info� to get a short synopsis of the actual show. You can also �day� ahead to see the next day�s schedule and show info. There is a �remind� option. You can �page� and �info� and then make that careful TV decision to watch it and press �remind.� When the show is due to come on, a message comes up on the screen. Wow.

This is helpful because I might forget that �Law and Order: Special Victims Unit� is on at 8:00 pm on USA channel. I might forget it even though it�s on every night at 8:00 pm. I might forget it because I am canoodling around all the channels and pressing �page� and �info� on the Spike channel for �Star Trek: Next Generation� (Data goes haywire) or VHI�s �100 Hottest Hotties� (Brittany, Justin, a bunch of other young things I don�t know) or just sidetracked by the OutKast video again on MTV12 or whatever. It�s a lot to keep track of and, dammit, that �remind� helps! It�s like a PalmPilot for TV viewing.

This week, I think it was yesterday, the black plastic piece on the remote that holds the batteries in fell off, somewhere. It was held on by a piece of black tape that became curly and fuzzy with time and my index finger constantly touching it. I had a real intimate relationship with that piece of tape this week; I knew what was going on, how it was loosening, what I was doing, but I let it happen. Now, I just hold the batteries in with the pressure of my palm. Occasionally, one falls out and I just stick it back in right away.

I knew what was going on with myself, with all this TV-watching, how my brain has been loosening, what I was doing, but I let it happen. I came home from work, turned it on (once before I had my coat off), kept it on during dinner-making and dinner eating, and fell asleep to it. I slept in the living room, in front of it, each night this week. I�d wake up at three or four in the morning and it would be on, and some nights I�d wake myself up a little and watch. One night I watched a biography of Andrew Cunahan followed by a biography of Jeffrey Dahmer. This is the BIO channel. Osama bin Laden has had his hour on it. So has Lynda Carter.

As the week wore on, I found I was only interested in the movies that got two stars or less. I watched most of something called �Final Destination,� a teen thiller type movie, the plot of which is so bad I was sure that while watching it, my IQ made a turn for the worse. I became aware of my age, and aware of my younger self, maybe 15 or so, that might have found a movie like that entertaining. All this awareness still bought me at least an hour of this movie. Where can I cash that in?

Maybe next time: my latest disinterest in reading. Is there a connection?

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